It’s half past midnight, and here I sit alone.
But I’m not alone; he’s sleeping right next to me, though he might as well be miles away.
It’s gotten so bad that I nearly can’t function.
Every day is a battle with myself, a battle I am sorely losing.
I can’t work; I can’t play; I can’t even force myself out of fucking bed.
I can’t do anything but think, and regret, and put off.
So close to the bottom already, the slightest nudge pushes me into the darkness.
One argument, one bad day, just one damn thing is enough to bring me to that place.
It’s out of my control.
It grabs me by the wrists and yanks me down as I beg and plead for it to stop.
But it doesn’t stop.
Some days it crushes my soul until I collapse to the floor from absolute exhaustion.
I clutch my chest in the fetal position, but I can never quite curl up small enough to stop existing.
And somehow I get up every single time.
I should be lying next to my husband like I do every night.
But I’m wide awake propped up with a pillow; enveloped by the darkness as I stare blankly into it.
There’s nothing there, but it presses down heavily on my chest.
The blackness is miserable, yet somehow comforting.
I can’t stop thinking.
I can’t stop feeling.
This is not who I am.
If you’ve never heard of Community Supported Agriculture (CSA), it’s when community members purchase a “share” at local farms in which they pay upfront and receive farm goods periodically over the growing season. It’s a wonderful concept that takes some financial burden off of smaller farmers, while providing fresh produce and other surprises for the community.
This is the second year that we’ve participated in a CSA because (more…)
Ok. I’m about to get extremely open and honest with you.
I’ve gone back and forth between being public about this and not, and after the last few minutes I’ve decided it’s time I talk for my own mental health. (more…)
Suddenly it’s ‘one of those days,’
my heart begins to ache.
No longer cannot I fight it off,
soon it just might break. (more…)
Ever feel like you can almost touch it?
Sometimes it’s triggered by something, sometimes it’s triggered by nothing. For me, I know there will always be a trigger. My brain ensures it always has its finger pressed softly against it, ready to trip it at a moment’s notice. I am at its mercy. (more…)
SwingTowns is a large dating network for polyamorous, swinger, and fetish lifestyles, and they recently approached me to write for them about my experiences with squirting. Ever since I figured out how to do it, I’ve been an advocate for others to learn and experience it themselves. I realized that you don’t have to be a porn star, or any other star, to squirt. (more…)
Cocktails on the beach create the perfect prelude to a little Afternoon Delight. With the scorching sun beaming down on me, I’m sticky with sweat and in the heat the alcohol seems to be hitting a little harder than it normally would. Never without a way to medicate, I freely vape without fear of consequence on our semi-private beach as I watch the waves roll in and out.
As the hours pass, we sip our frozen daiquiris and take shots in between wading in the water and napping in lounge chairs under an umbrella. The longer we’re out, the more intense the tingling between my legs becomes, like the increasing rumble of a train before it passes by. I vocalize a plan about fucking when we get back to the beach house before we go out to dinner, and he tells me that had always been his plan. Just hearing him say he’s already thinking about screwing me sends another ripple through me. I start thinking about what I’m going to do to him and (more…)
On the first anniversary of the biggest tragedy ever to strike the LGBTQ community in the United States, it’s important to take a moment to remember those who are affected.
Pulse Nightclub was a gay club in Orlando owned by Barbara Poma and Ron Legler and was opened in 2004. In 1991, Barbara’s brother John died from AIDS and they named the club Pulse so that he can live on. However, on June 12, 2016, any semblance of a pulse was shattered when a single shooter shot and killed 49 patrons, and wounded 53 others.
It was considered an act of terror/hate because of (more…)
When I first joined Twitter in the dildo capacity about a year and a half ago, I found a handful of awesome, welcoming, and genuine people right away. One of those people is the beautiful lady behind Nurse Mary J Tattoo Aftercare – Colleen Kibler.
She’s an educator, blogger, businesswoman, cannabis advocate, and total badass to name a few. She’s modest and kind, and is the type of person who takes the time to tell you she appreciates you. She’s the first person who popped into my mind when I wanted to bring you a guest blog, and I’m thrilled that she not only accepted but also wrote a fantastic blog post with little to no guidance.
The United States cannabis industry needs our help now more than ever because (more…)
I’ve always heard about people who get turned on from potentially ‘getting caught’ while masturbating, having sex, or otherwise doing something frowned upon. Just thinking that the janitor may walk into the closet mid-fuck, or that the kids will be home from school at any minute is enough to make plenty of nipples hard.
Do you love trippy, psychedelic patterns? Especially when you’re stoned?
I stumbled across this fantastic website called Silk that allows you to create your own. It’s super easy; all you need is a finger or a mouse to drag about your screen and it automatically makes gorgeous patterns. On my first try, I was actually able to draw a human skeleton. You can use a bunch of colors and even mix your own (more…)
Think that being trans is a mental illness? Science is saying otherwise.
Perhaps this could be another way to beat depression – (more…)
‘Ask Ophelia’ Question #2
A couple of weeks ago I received a question regarding something that has not been uncommon throughout history – the age gap. Many people wonder: what pair of ages are socially or even morally acceptable for a sexual relationship to exist?
“Is it possible for a youngish woman to consider making love with an old man? He was gorgeous when younger, now a ‘nice looking’ very old man. He still knows how to fulfill a woman, but he is old. A tongue is a tongue, and even better when it’s knowledgeable. What do you think?”
Here’s What I Think:
Whether it’s sexual orientation, gender, age, or the car we drive, all that really matters is one thing right? That we’re (more…)