Surviving the Holidays with a Mental Illness Using Illustrations

Ever feel your stress increase around the holidays? Between sending holiday cards, purchasing gifts while ensuring no one was forgotten, preparing elaborate meals, being inundated with holiday music while shopping, and seeing lots of family we may or may not enjoy, it can be an extremely difficult time of year for anyone.

Now imagine your brain is already a shitshow year-round.

For some people, the holidays (more…)

It Happened to #MeToo. Twice.

If you’re unsure about what the recent #MeToo movement is, I’m happy to explain because it’s just that important. In the wake of sexual misconduct allegations against Harvey Weinstein, an American film producer and former film studio executive, many celebrities – including Alyssa Milano, Reese Witherspoon, Lady Gaga, Patricia Arquette, and a couple dozen others – began tweeting with the #MeToo hashtag in support of those affected, or with their own experiences of sexual abuse. The hashtag immediately went viral by 10/15/17 and started an outpouring of personal stories.

So here’s mine.

I already opened up and told you about how I was molested in seventh grade, but I have two other experiences that I haven’t shared with you until now.

When I was 18, I (more…)

This Is Not Who I Am

It’s half past midnight, and here I sit alone.

But I’m not alone; he’s sleeping right next to me, though he might as well be miles away.

It’s gotten so bad that I nearly can’t function. 

Every day is a battle with myself, a battle I am sorely losing. 

I can’t work; I can’t play; I can’t even force myself out of fucking bed.

I can’t do anything but think, and regret, and put off.

So close to the bottom already, the slightest nudge pushes me into the darkness. 

One argument, one bad day, just one damn thing is enough to bring me to that place.

It’s out of my control.

It grabs me by the wrists and yanks me down as I beg and plead for it to stop.

But it doesn’t stop. 

Some days it crushes my soul until I collapse to the floor from absolute exhaustion. 

I clutch my chest in the fetal position, but I can never quite curl up small enough to stop existing. 

And somehow I get up every single time.

I should be lying next to my husband like I do every night. 

But I’m wide awake propped up with a pillow; enveloped by the darkness as I stare blankly into it. 

There’s nothing there, but it presses down heavily on my chest. 

The blackness is miserable, yet somehow comforting. 

I can’t stop thinking. 

I can’t stop feeling. 

I’m angry. 

This is not who I am. 

I Can Tell the Depression is Gone by the Jukebox in My Head

I’ve been in love with music since I was a kid and I can’t remember doing much without it growing up. Even now, there is very little of my conscious time that is spent without music being played on my phone, TV, laptop, or Google Home. I don’t have an explanation for it, all I know is that (more…)

15 Songs I Listen to When I’m Depressed – and Not One is About Sunshine.

Music has always been an extremely significant part of my life. From singing, to playing piano, to being a DJ, to having music playing almost constantly; it has always served an important purpose for me. It has gotten me through my worst times, and even my best times. If music didn’t exist, I’m positive the silence would kill me.

High school was a particularly difficult time for me. Between school itself, a strained relationship with my mother, and having already had a depressive childhood, I saw some of my darkest days in high school.


So, My Therapist Broke Up With Me

About a year ago, I sat in bed and cried into my bong while I sang Adele, and asked myself what the hell is wrong with me. If that sounds pathetic, it’s because it was. I was in an extremely bad place; so much so that if I didn’t find my way out of it, it was going to start affecting my life, marriage, and overall health. I decided then that there would be no more unexplained crying into my bong allowed, and that it’s time I get serious about attempting therapy. I understand most of what’s wrong with me, I just need some pointers on coping with it.


YouTube Music’s New Silent Ad Speaks Volumes for the Transgender and Crossdressing Community

I tend to watch comedies because there’s already a substantial amount of drama and action in my life and I desperately need the comedy to round it out. My husband likes history too, so we’ve been watching this ridiculous comedy on Hulu called Quickdraw. Despite paying actual currency for a Hulu Plus membership, you’re still subjected to watching a slew of ads – usually 3 at a time. I typically spend that time wondering what the heck I’m really paying for anyway.