This Is Not Who I Am

It’s half past midnight, and here I sit alone.

But I’m not alone; he’s sleeping right next to me, though he might as well be miles away.

It’s gotten so bad that I nearly can’t function. 

Every day is a battle with myself, a battle I am sorely losing. 

I can’t work; I can’t play; I can’t even force myself out of fucking bed.

I can’t do anything but think, and regret, and put off.

So close to the bottom already, the slightest nudge pushes me into the darkness. 

One argument, one bad day, just one damn thing is enough to bring me to that place.

It’s out of my control.

It grabs me by the wrists and yanks me down as I beg and plead for it to stop.

But it doesn’t stop. 

Some days it crushes my soul until I collapse to the floor from absolute exhaustion. 

I clutch my chest in the fetal position, but I can never quite curl up small enough to stop existing. 

And somehow I get up every single time.

I should be lying next to my husband like I do every night. 

But I’m wide awake propped up with a pillow; enveloped by the darkness as I stare blankly into it. 

There’s nothing there, but it presses down heavily on my chest. 

The blackness is miserable, yet somehow comforting. 

I can’t stop thinking. 

I can’t stop feeling. 

I’m angry. 

This is not who I am. 

Industry Expert Guest Blog: Nurse Mary J with 5 Steps to Cannabis Advocacy

When I first joined Twitter in the dildo capacity about a year and a half ago, I found a handful of awesome, welcoming, and genuine people right away. One of those people is the beautiful lady behind Nurse Mary J Tattoo Aftercare – Colleen Kibler.

She’s an educator, blogger, businesswoman, cannabis advocate, and total badass to name a few. She’s modest and kind, and is the type of person who takes the time to tell you she appreciates you. She’s the first person who popped into my mind when I wanted to bring you a guest blog, and I’m thrilled that she not only accepted but also wrote a fantastic blog post with little to no guidance.

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The United States cannabis industry needs our help now more than ever because (more…)

Why I Smoke Marijuana, and What Happened After I Quit Recently

Why do we do anything? Why do we make decisions or have opinions? No one (hopefully) tells us what to do, we’re bipedal Homo sapiens; we generally have the ability to make our own choices based on our own logical thinking. We all have unique intuition, tastes, desires, interests, thinking, preferences, and opinions, and we integrate all of those factors subconsciously in every decision we make. But what happens when someone questions our decision-making and tells us we’re making the wrong choice after going through our instinctual process? Lots of people don’t care what others think of them, but it haunts many people like me.

Last year I had the biggest blowout with my family that I’ve ever had before, andJudgment Hammer Fine Penalty Clause Law Court it was because I was berated and judged in my own home. My parents have expressed to me via some comment or joke here and there about (more…)

15 Songs I Listen to When I’m Depressed – and Not One is About Sunshine.

Music has always been an extremely significant part of my life. From singing, to playing piano, to being a DJ, to having music playing almost constantly; it has always served an important purpose for me. It has gotten me through my worst times, and even my best times. If music didn’t exist, I’m positive the silence would kill me.

High school was a particularly difficult time for me. Between school itself, a strained relationship with my mother, and having already had a depressive childhood, I saw some of my darkest days in high school.

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So, My Therapist Broke Up With Me

About a year ago, I sat in bed and cried into my bong while I sang Adele, and asked myself what the hell is wrong with me. If that sounds pathetic, it’s because it was. I was in an extremely bad place; so much so that if I didn’t find my way out of it, it was going to start affecting my life, marriage, and overall health. I decided then that there would be no more unexplained crying into my bong allowed, and that it’s time I get serious about attempting therapy. I understand most of what’s wrong with me, I just need some pointers on coping with it.

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Reader Poll: At What Age Did the Depression Begin?

My depression began when I was nine years old after a series of traumatic events. I had always been a happy child who loved people, but everything seemed to change that year. I cried, I was sad, and I hung my head when I walked. I felt the change, and my parents saw it too. Depression started young for me, and while it comes and goes and mutates itself in hundreds of ways, I know it will probably always be a part of my life.

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What’s Your Depression Story? | Your Story, Photo, Poem, Video Published

I’ve shared my depression stories with you here and there over the last year, and many of you have bravely come forward in response and commented or emailed me parts of your story as well. When we share our experiences with each other, it’s very therapeutic because it doesn’t fall on deaf ears. Depression makes us feel alone in a crowded room, so knowing that there are others who have seen the same lows that we have is extremely powerful. Seeing someone describe the same feelings you’ve experienced allows you to breathe for a minute and think, “OK – so I’m not that crazy.

So I’m opening up a forum for us to talk about depression.  There are over 350,000,000 people affected by depression globally, and half of Americans with depression are seeking absolutely no treatment.  People with depression are shunned, overlooked, and condemned to being called “lazy,” so talking about actual experiences seems uncommon.

It’s time we change that.

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I Was Molested by a Classmate | How I Moved On and What I Learned

I got picked on a lot in my formative years for one thing or another, simply because children are ruthless. I was a good kid, I didn’t hurt anyone, and my heart was and still is enormous. But kids don’t see that, they see whatever they imagine. So I made friends in different cliques and tried to stay under the radar. In seventh grade boys weren’t terribly interested in girls yet – and only the popular ones if they were – so I had very platonic interactions with them, if that.

One in particular seemed to enjoy harassing me, especially if he was in front of other people. He really was just that piece of shit, asshole kid who isn’t popular but acts like a dick to be noticed. He never had anything nice to say to me, so I pretty much avoided him.

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YouTube Music’s New Silent Ad Speaks Volumes for the Transgender and Crossdressing Community

I tend to watch comedies because there’s already a substantial amount of drama and action in my life and I desperately need the comedy to round it out. My husband likes history too, so we’ve been watching this ridiculous comedy on Hulu called Quickdraw. Despite paying actual currency for a Hulu Plus membership, you’re still subjected to watching a slew of ads – usually 3 at a time. I typically spend that time wondering what the heck I’m really paying for anyway.

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Being Judged for My Medicine | Why You Should Be Yourself

As I mentioned, I was recently put in an unfair and uncomfortable position by members of my family, but I tried to put a smile on and pretend anyway.

It led to the biggest blowout in our family history, and me having an anxiety attack in the dark on our closet floor.

I felt ambushed, judged, and disrespected in my own home. Like I said, my husband stood up for me which was amazing, but it also put him in a position of standing up to MY FAMILY. Of course, this caused additional issues between them. The result was the gang of family leaving and going to dinner while my husband pieced me back together.

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