‘Ask Ophelia’ Question #1: What Can I Do When I’m Depressed?
I got picked on a lot in my formative years for one thing or another, simply because children are ruthless. I was a good kid, I didn’t hurt anyone, and my heart was and still is enormous. But kids don’t see that, they see whatever they imagine. So I made friends in different cliques and tried to stay under the radar. In seventh grade boys weren’t terribly interested in girls yet – and only the popular ones if they were – so I had very platonic interactions with them, if that.
One in particular seemed to enjoy harassing me, especially if he was in front of other people. He really was just that piece of shit, asshole kid who isn’t popular but acts like a dick to be noticed. He never had anything nice to say to me, so I pretty much avoided him.
I’m trapped in my own body and mind.
I tend to watch comedies because there’s already a substantial amount of drama and action in my life and I desperately need the comedy to round it out. My husband likes history too, so we’ve been watching this ridiculous comedy on Hulu called Quickdraw. Despite paying actual currency for a Hulu Plus membership, you’re still subjected to watching a slew of ads – usually 3 at a time. I typically spend that time wondering what the heck I’m really paying for anyway.
As I mentioned, I was recently put in an unfair and uncomfortable position by members of my family, but I tried to put a smile on and pretend anyway.
It led to the biggest blowout in our family history, and me having an anxiety attack in the dark on our closet floor.
I felt ambushed, judged, and disrespected in my own home. Like I said, my husband stood up for me which was amazing, but it also put him in a position of standing up to MY FAMILY. Of course, this caused additional issues between them. The result was the gang of family leaving and going to dinner while my husband pieced me back together.
I’m the youngest of two children in my family, and that has been both fortunate and unfortunate at times. Our parents were much harder on my sister since she was their first crack at it together, but I’ve found it difficult to earn respect being the youngest. Anyway, I guess I was what you’d call an ‘intentional accident.’ I took so damn long to conceive that after almost a decade of trying, my parents gave up. Then I happened. So there’s quite an age difference between my sister and I, and she’s often been like a mother figure to me.
Yesterday I was tricked/coerced into doing something I wasn’t comfortable with, verbally attacked in my own house, and ended up crying in a ball on my closet floor in the dark.
If this sounds like a really fucking bad day, I assure you it was.
I’ve always appreciated animals and nature, and the White Mountains in New Hampshire has become one of my favorite spots in the world. I’ve been going up there since I was 18 years old and still spend a lot of time there throughout the year.
I’ve had a lot going on in the last few months, and I recently finalized some things that were pretty time-consuming. I found myself struggling to stay motivated in the weeks leading up to the end so I decided I needed something to look forward to in order to get through it. So I booked myself a room for one for a week at our resort up in the mountains. Whenever I felt overwhelmed or got depressed, I’d fantasize about what I’d do on my ‘mental health holiday’ to get my spirits up.
Apparently I’m the kind of person who lives ‘on the edge.’ My mother has always been very shy and would rather die than be the last person to walk late into a room full of people, so she’s never understood my ‘bravery.’ And I say ‘brave’ in quotes because it can often be interchanged for ‘stupid,’ ‘risky,’ or ‘harebrained.’
I keep having more and more epiphanies in the past couple years due to the incredible mind-expansion that weed is known for, and one of the epiphanies has been realizing what it is that leads me to taking more chances than the standard human being. I think when you have depression, you don’t always value your life as highly as others may value theirs. This seems to have manifested itself over the years in a way that makes me incredibly comfortable taking chances by trying new and terrifying things, meeting up with strangers from the Internet, or traveling to faraway destinations alone. Depression gives you that mindset where you don’t always look twice to see if a bus is coming before crossing the street, so I’ve always sort of lived this way. Or I’ve simply just been bestowed with the reckless bug. Either way, I now have an endless supply of awesome stories about the crazy shit that I’ve encountered. One of my favorite stories takes place in my parents’ house with the Comcast Guy.
As many of you know, I’m relatively new to WordPress and Twitter as I only started this blog in August, but I think I settled in pretty quickly. Those of you who are fellow bloggers remember ‘breaking into the scene’ and trying to read 1,000 different blogs hoping that maybe 6 of them reciprocate and check you out too.
I don’t quite remember how I met Don Holley, but I’m pretty sure I’ll never forget him. We met via Twitter somehow, and I started noticing that he tweeted me relatively often – and that he was kinda funny on occasion. You could say he was my first “Twitter friend.” At some point I realized that he’s actually the screenwriter of the movie National Lampoon’s Loaded Weapon 1 starring Samuel L. Jackson, Jon Lovitz, and Emilio Estevez, which I thought was pretty neat. I’m embarrassed to admit that I’ve never seen the movie, though that’s largely due to the fact that I was 8 when it came out – but hey, I thought it was kinda cool knowing someone who’s been in ‘the movies.’
Make the holidays a little brighter by winning yourself a new Imag+ Vaporizer, a fancy pants Vaped.com tshirt, or a new grinder for all your grinding needs. Check out my review of the Imag+ here; I loved it and you will too!
When you’re all done buying your Tupperware, vacuums, and video games for the kids on Black Friday and Cyber Monday, don’t forget to take a minute and think about yourself for once. When was the last time you splurged and bought yourself a new sex toy or smoking accessory?
My affiliates are having some pretty sweet deals right now for Cyber Week, so I thought I’d share them with you!
Just letting you know that my Bliss cannabis-infused lubricant giveaway ends tonight (tomorrow) at 2:59am EST so west coast users have until midnight their time to enter.
Ok. I surrender. My white flag has been raised, and I am going to make a therapy appointment. I have just spontaneously cried into my bong for the last time.
Check out these beautiful pictures of African wildlife taken by a bunch of cool guys!
Mpayathutlwa Camp to Mabuasehube Camp, Kgalagadi Transfrontier Park (Botswana)
Distance : 30.3 km
A day of travel faces us once again – but only 15 km from our current camp site to our final site for this trip. The team now operates like a well oiled machine. Within an hour and a half we have the camp site looking like new – tents, kitchen, supplies, cooler boxes, fridges, personal gear, sleeping bags, tongs, braai grids, netting, tarpaulins, washing line, showers, chairs, water, fuel – all done and packed.
Trailers are hitched up, the coals extinguished and the rubbish placed in the bin and before you know it the team is on the move again.
We swung past the waterhole on the way to…
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I suppose when you find yourself frequently envisioning what you’d talk about at your first therapy appointment, it’s probably time to look for a therapist. I went to an ’emergency’ appointment when I hit rock bottom a couple times in college, but I was never ‘treated’ for more than three or four sessions each time. I was put on anti-depressants the first time and went off of them almost as soon as I went on them because they either stole my sex drive, or stole my orgasms – neither of which improve depression.
In just a month and a half, I’ve been lucky enough to gain almost 1,000 followers on both Twitter and WordPress. You guys really seem to get me, and I’ve been truly honored to hear your stories and have you open up to me. I know a lot of my topics are somewhat taboo in society still, but I’m trying to create a space where we all feel comfortable talking about the things that others may shun us for.
So without penalty or repercussion, I’d like to ask you to open up once more and tell me what you really want to read about and discuss in this space. I have a lot of diverse interests and experiences, and I’ve come up with a list of things that I’m passionate about. I’m curious what you find most interesting out of these topics, and you’re welcome to choose as many as you like! It’s something I’ll keep checking as time goes on to see if interest changes, so feel free to come back in a couple months if your feelings change!
Additionally, I’ve added a feedback form below in case there’s something else you’d like to suggest – whether it be a new category, a new post idea within an existing category, or just something you’d like to know about me! You don’t have to put your name or contact information in if you’d rather be anonymous. If I don’t already follow you on Twitter, feel free to add your handle and I’ll make sure I do.
As always – thanks for reading, and I appreciate you.
….when you’re so depressed that you can physically feel your heart break?
Recently, I stumbled and fell a bit, and my readers were there to pick me up. (Thank you.) I have yet to respond to the influx of encouraging words in the comments to my previous post “..I Have Officially Hit Rock Bottom,” because I want to be in a good frame of mind when interacting with you.
For the sake of brevity, I’ll skip the details, but I majorly screwed up a short time ago. Nothing legal or irreparable, but I basically cost myself a LOT of time, money, anguish, and sanity. I was submerged into an extremely dark place where I realized my predicament was no one’s fault but my own, and I was unable to forgive myself and move on.
With my husband traveling frequently for work, I’m alone a lot. For those few weeks, I couldn’t get out of bed on most days, and when I did I would walk around like a zombie with a feeling of insistence that I couldn’t identify. I felt anxious like I should be doing something, but I didn’t know what to do. I stopped doing the laundry and cleaning the house, I hardly ate, and when I did cry it was heart wrenching.
How absolutely courageous of her! You should follow her journey with me.
2,590 miles hiked
It’s not as cold as I thought it would be, camped next to this stream with the wind, and I actually sleep pretty well. I wake up at six in the dark, and blearily boil water for tea as the sun lightens, still wrapped in my sleeping bag. Am I going to miss the bitter, high-altitude cold of September on the CDT? No. Am I going to miss sitting in my sleeping bag drinking tea and watching the sun rise? Yes.
Most of the trail today is cross-country, on a sort of high alpine plateau. Lumpy meadow that’s hard to walk on, alternating with piles of rocks. Lumps and rocks, lumps and rocks. From cairn to post to cairn. It’s slow going- all of Colorado has been slow going for me. I’m embarrased to say that, at the end of the day, I’ve…
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