This Is Not Who I Am

It’s half past midnight, and here I sit alone.

But I’m not alone; he’s sleeping right next to me, though he might as well be miles away.

It’s gotten so bad that I nearly can’t function. 

Every day is a battle with myself, a battle I am sorely losing. 

I can’t work; I can’t play; I can’t even force myself out of fucking bed.

I can’t do anything but think, and regret, and put off.

So close to the bottom already, the slightest nudge pushes me into the darkness. 

One argument, one bad day, just one damn thing is enough to bring me to that place.

It’s out of my control.

It grabs me by the wrists and yanks me down as I beg and plead for it to stop.

But it doesn’t stop. 

Some days it crushes my soul until I collapse to the floor from absolute exhaustion. 

I clutch my chest in the fetal position, but I can never quite curl up small enough to stop existing. 

And somehow I get up every single time.

I should be lying next to my husband like I do every night. 

But I’m wide awake propped up with a pillow; enveloped by the darkness as I stare blankly into it. 

There’s nothing there, but it presses down heavily on my chest. 

The blackness is miserable, yet somehow comforting. 

I can’t stop thinking. 

I can’t stop feeling. 

I’m angry. 

This is not who I am. 

A Message to Pulse Nightclub Victims & Families With Pink Floyd’s ‘Pulse’

On the first anniversary of the biggest tragedy ever to strike the LGBTQ community in the United States, it’s important to take a moment to remember those who are affected.

Pulse Nightclub was a gay club in Orlando owned by Barbara Poma and Ron Legler and was opened in 2004. In 1991, Barbara’s brother John died from AIDS and they named the club Pulse so that he can live on. However, on June 12, 2016, any semblance of a pulse was shattered when a single shooter shot and killed 49 patrons, and wounded 53 others.

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It was considered an act of terror/hate because of (more…)

Why I Smoke Marijuana, and What Happened After I Quit Recently

Why do we do anything? Why do we make decisions or have opinions? No one (hopefully) tells us what to do, we’re bipedal Homo sapiens; we generally have the ability to make our own choices based on our own logical thinking. We all have unique intuition, tastes, desires, interests, thinking, preferences, and opinions, and we integrate all of those factors subconsciously in every decision we make. But what happens when someone questions our decision-making and tells us we’re making the wrong choice after going through our instinctual process? Lots of people don’t care what others think of them, but it haunts many people like me.

Last year I had the biggest blowout with my family that I’ve ever had before, andJudgment Hammer Fine Penalty Clause Law Court it was because I was berated and judged in my own home. My parents have expressed to me via some comment or joke here and there about (more…)

I Can Tell the Depression is Gone by the Jukebox in My Head

I’ve been in love with music since I was a kid and I can’t remember doing much without it growing up. Even now, there is very little of my conscious time that is spent without music being played on my phone, TV, laptop, or Google Home. I don’t have an explanation for it, all I know is that (more…)

Ophelia’s First Anniversary Bash Word Search!

Ophelia’s First Anniversary Bash Word Search!

In case you missed it last time I posted it:

You can print this blog page, copy and paste it into another program of your choice, print it from Word, or open it in Word and use the highlighting tool to play.

I just don’t recommend leaving it at your communal work printer for very long, because bills.

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My First Anniversary Bash Is On

It’s halfway through the month, and we’re only days away from Spring in the Northern Hemisphere. Those of you in warmer climates haven’t been too affected; but the poor bastards (like me) who just had to dig our way out of Storm Stella in the Midwest and Eastern U.S. have just about had enough. We all need a little something to look forward to right now, so I figured it’s a great time to get my Anniversary Bash going.

Below is the Calendar of Carousal followed by descriptions of the events. Extra activities and giveaways will be added along the way, so subscribe or check back frequently to be notified of what has been released.

Enjoy!

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March 15 – Pot Pocket giveaway opens – enter here: Bash Giveaway #1: Pot Pocket – 6 Prizes!

16 – Reader Poll – What Ails You?

17 – ‘Firsts’ Story – It’s my First Anniversary Bash, so I figured I’d tell you stories about some of my ‘first times.’ This first true story is titledI Kissed a Girl Who is a Guy.”

18 – Review: The Womanizer Pro 40 from Good Vibes – a toy for clitoral stimulation

19 – Review: Arizer Air vaporizer from Vaped.com – hefty, comes with a travel case, and packs a punch

20 – Chameleon Glass giveaway opens!

21 – Topic: Depression

22 – Review: Chameleon Glass Wake ‘n Bake Mug

23 – Review: Bucky King Co. – we’ll check out their pipes and portable gravity bong

24 – ‘Firsts’ Story

25 – Topic: Cannabis

26 – Review: Flowermate V5.0S Mini Pro from Vaped.com – tons of accessories and a wide range of temperature settings

27 – ‘Firsts’ Story

28 – Reader Poll

29 – #WednesdayWisdom: “Ask Ophelia” – I get a lot of questions, so I figured I’d tell you the answers

30 – Reader Poll – Bash Ends

 

Pot Pocket Giveaway | 6 Prizes!

Pot Pocket Giveaway is Open

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This giveaway is a neat little invention that I stumbled across on Twitter and at the New England Cannabis Network (NECANN) convention in Boston – the Pot Pocket

We’ve all had that Cheech and Chong moment where we’ve gone to look for that joint we may or may not have forgotten about in our pocket, and it comes out looking like a used straw wrapper that Bigfoot sat on.

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So worry no more, Pot Pocket and I are going to take care of you. We’re giving away 2 Pot Pocket Grand Prizes, and 4 Pot Pocket stickers to the runner-ups.

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15 Songs I Listen to When I’m Depressed – and Not One is About Sunshine.

Music has always been an extremely significant part of my life. From singing, to playing piano, to being a DJ, to having music playing almost constantly; it has always served an important purpose for me. It has gotten me through my worst times, and even my best times. If music didn’t exist, I’m positive the silence would kill me.

High school was a particularly difficult time for me. Between school itself, a strained relationship with my mother, and having already had a depressive childhood, I saw some of my darkest days in high school.

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So, My Therapist Broke Up With Me

About a year ago, I sat in bed and cried into my bong while I sang Adele, and asked myself what the hell is wrong with me. If that sounds pathetic, it’s because it was. I was in an extremely bad place; so much so that if I didn’t find my way out of it, it was going to start affecting my life, marriage, and overall health. I decided then that there would be no more unexplained crying into my bong allowed, and that it’s time I get serious about attempting therapy. I understand most of what’s wrong with me, I just need some pointers on coping with it.

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Reader Poll: At What Age Did the Depression Begin?

My depression began when I was nine years old after a series of traumatic events. I had always been a happy child who loved people, but everything seemed to change that year. I cried, I was sad, and I hung my head when I walked. I felt the change, and my parents saw it too. Depression started young for me, and while it comes and goes and mutates itself in hundreds of ways, I know it will probably always be a part of my life.

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What’s Your Depression Story? | Your Story, Photo, Poem, Video Published

I’ve shared my depression stories with you here and there over the last year, and many of you have bravely come forward in response and commented or emailed me parts of your story as well. When we share our experiences with each other, it’s very therapeutic because it doesn’t fall on deaf ears. Depression makes us feel alone in a crowded room, so knowing that there are others who have seen the same lows that we have is extremely powerful. Seeing someone describe the same feelings you’ve experienced allows you to breathe for a minute and think, “OK – so I’m not that crazy.

So I’m opening up a forum for us to talk about depression.  There are over 350,000,000 people affected by depression globally, and half of Americans with depression are seeking absolutely no treatment.  People with depression are shunned, overlooked, and condemned to being called “lazy,” so talking about actual experiences seems uncommon.

It’s time we change that.

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I Was Molested by a Classmate | How I Moved On and What I Learned

I got picked on a lot in my formative years for one thing or another, simply because children are ruthless. I was a good kid, I didn’t hurt anyone, and my heart was and still is enormous. But kids don’t see that, they see whatever they imagine. So I made friends in different cliques and tried to stay under the radar. In seventh grade boys weren’t terribly interested in girls yet – and only the popular ones if they were – so I had very platonic interactions with them, if that.

One in particular seemed to enjoy harassing me, especially if he was in front of other people. He really was just that piece of shit, asshole kid who isn’t popular but acts like a dick to be noticed. He never had anything nice to say to me, so I pretty much avoided him.

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