Everyone has a different brand of depression. Some people isolate themselves from the world, some turn to drugs and alcohol, some stay in bed for days on end, etc. Those of us with depression manifest our symptoms very differently, and no two people are exactly the same.
My particular depression is very unambiguous to me – my two motivators in life are guilt, and none at all. For the most part, I’ve got zero motivation in life. That’s not to say that I don’t have dreams – I just don’t achieve as many as my brain thinks up. I simply don’t have the motivation or energy to be the person I know I could be. However, I do constantly challenge myself on my behavior and question if I’m depressed or just plain lazy. I don’t want to be a lazy person, and I don’t think I’m a lazy person; but I don’t have an explanation for why I feel the way I feel.
The biggest characteristic of my particular brand is that literally everything I do in my life takes my maximum effort. I’m not inclined to do anything. It doesn’t matter if it’s a chore or the most fun thing in the world – I’m just not interested. Nothing is easy for me. So if I ever get anything done, it’s because I sincerely couldn’t take the guilt anymore.
Oh yes – just because I don’t have the will to do much on a day-to-day basis doesn’t mean that I have the ability to brush things off and forget about them. No, no, no, no. I remember every. single. little. thing. that I have to do or was supposed to do. Things I should do better, things I should have said, things I should have said 10 years ago, wrongs I need to right, letters I was supposed to send, calls I need to make, time I should have spent – trust me, it never ends. I lie awake at night thinking about all the things I need to do and have postponed. I think about them constantly during the day and it eats at my conscience until eventually I snap. Only then do I take action; when I simply can’t take it anymore.
An example of my inadequacy presented itself last week. CONTINUE