It Happened to #MeToo. Twice.

If you’re unsure about what the recent #MeToo movement is, I’m happy to explain because it’s just that important. In the wake of sexual misconduct allegations against Harvey Weinstein, an American film producer and former film studio executive, many celebrities – including Alyssa Milano, Reese Witherspoon, Lady Gaga, Patricia Arquette, and a couple dozen others – began tweeting with the #MeToo hashtag in support of those affected, or with their own experiences of sexual abuse. The hashtag immediately went viral by 10/15/17 and started an outpouring of personal stories.

So here’s mine.

I already opened up and told you about how I was molested in seventh grade, but I have two other experiences that I haven’t shared with you until now.

When I was 18, I made a new friend. We were pretty close, but he lived an hour away from me so our friendship consisted of mostly instant messaging and texting. He became a ‘friend with benefits’ over time, and we had sex occasionally when we saw each other. It wasn’t always about sex, but we really understood each other and had a ton in common sexually. We grew to become extremely comfortable friends, and we knew everything about the other’s deepest secrets.

I can’t say this about too many people, but we actually continued to be friends for several years. It was sometimes an off-and-on thing – he’s in a band so he was usually busy and I often had expectations he couldn’t fulfill, so sometimes we’d go a spell without being in touch. I thought we’d gone our separate ways a few times, but somehow we always ended up connecting again. I eventually realized that between never staying apart too long and the deep connection we have with knowing things about each other that no one else will ever know, that we’d probably stay friends for life.

He’s someone who always made me feel good about myself because of his intense attraction to me, and constant willingness to be intimate with me. He claims I have a “magical pussy” and I give the best blow jobs he’s ever had, but he was just never a person I was going to marry. We were great friends who sometimes had sex, and we were OK with that. I’d have a boyfriend every now and again and he’d be disappointed that we couldn’t have sex anymore, but he’d eventually take ‘no’ for an answer and understand.

One night when I was 19 or 20, I stayed over his house and I was very clear that I didn’t want to have sex. I remember specifically telling him that even before I drove over so that there wouldn’t be any miscommunications, disappointment, or expectations.

I just wanted to hang out.

As I always did, I slept in his bed with him because there was no reason to worry. Of course he wanted to have sex anyway because of our history, but I stood my ground and insisted we abstain. He didn’t concede at first, like usual, but he eventually quit pestering me about it and we went to sleep.

The next morning, I felt the familiar ‘wood’ against my back, and he gently tried persuading me to have sex once more. I obviously hadn’t changed my mind, so I explained yet again that I didn’t want to. He was pretty persistent, and began trying to make a compromise. Things like, “Ok – what if you don’t have to blow me?,” and “I won’t make you do anything, you can just lie there!”

As I said earlier, he absolutely adores my vagina and extracted almost more joy in pleasing me than me pleasing him; so in a last ditch effort he begged to simply eat me out. No reciprocating, no sex, no strings attached.

I knew I didn’t want to, but I simply couldn’t take any more of his hassling.

It seemed harmless enough, so I agreed and trusted him to obey my wishes of no vaginal intercourse. The room was dark as it was just before sunrise. He removed my pants and underwear, then started eating me out. I tried to enjoy it despite not really being into it, which felt really weird to me. I was irritated that he wouldn’t leave me alone about it, but it was something we’d done a dozen times before so I tried to clear my mind and like it. He was fully clothed in his PJs, and I closed my eyes to focus as he alternated eating and fingering me.

After about 15 minutes though, I felt something change. It sort of felt like he was still fingering me, but it was different. Suddenly I felt the weight of his body on top of me.

It was then that I realized he had begun having sex with me.

It all happened so quickly that I was confused, horrified, and angry at the same time. I didn’t understand what was happening – he had pants on, and he didn’t skip a beat between his fingers leaving me and his penis entering me. Even hard, he’s about the size of two fingers, so I had no idea what he was doing until I felt him on top of me.

I was so scared. I knew he was fucking me, I knew I didn’t want it, but I didn’t know what to say. So I asked him what the FUCK he was doing – he eventually stopped and gave some lame excuse. And he wasn’t wearing a condom. I’ve never not used a condom outside of a relationship in my entire life. I felt so fucking violated.

I didn’t know what to do. He was one of my best friends, and I just couldn’t understand why this had happened. I sat in his bed shaking with my knees clutched to my chest for a minute as I tried to process it, but all I knew is that I had to get out of there. I may have even started crying right then and there; I can’t remember.
So I got dressed as he realized something was wrong and apologized, and I told him I had to go. I grabbed my things, got in my car, and sped off. I distinctly remember feeling absolutely disgusting, and I couldn’t wait to wash him off of me. Literally. I pulled into a Stop ‘n Shop within a mile of his house, went into the bathroom, yanked several pieces of paper towel out of the dispenser, saturated them with soap and water, and washed myself in one of the stalls with tears pouring down my face.

But no amount of scrubbing washed away that feeling.

I just couldn’t make sense of what had happened. I know I didn’t want it, but was it rape? I knew it was by definition – “NO means NO,” but was that fair in this case? We’d had sex several times before, we were engaging in oral sex at the time, he stopped when I told him to – and he was my friend. Half of me didn’t think it was my fault, but half of me absolutely did.

I can’t remember if I stopped talking to him for some time or if we carried on like normal, but that morning has never left my memory. We still talk periodically, but haven’t seen each other in many years. It seems I’ve chalked it up to “he didn’t mean any harm,” and nothing really happened.

stop

A year or two later, I found myself in a similar situation.

I had just met someone and we went out on a date. We spent the evening driving around and having fun, but I wasn’t ready to have intercourse yet as we’d not known each other long. I thought making out and possibly oral would be OK, but that was my limit.

I’ve always had an appreciation for the macabre so I love visiting cemeteries. I was driving, so I decided to turn into a local graveyard near his house. It was dark and I parked in the middle of one of the roads inside. We got out and he kissed me as I leaned against my car. The spookiness of the whole thing was super exciting, and he offered to eat me out on the hood of my car. I agreed to it, but reiterated that I didn’t want to have intercourse yet.

I took my pants and panties off, hopped up onto my hood, and laid on my back. Like my other friend did, this guy alternated between licking and fingering me when he needed a break. It was really unique being where we were, and it was nice being able to look up at the stars simultaneously. After several minutes I thought I heard a sound like a package being opened, but he had his fingers inside of me so I thought I had imagined the sound.

Then suddenly his fingers left, and I felt him slide his penis inside of me.

I hadn’t imagined the sound. I realized he had opened a condom with his teeth, placed it on his dick with one hand, and just slid it in me – completely disregarding my wishes. I shot straight up and shouted at him as soon as I felt it, and fortunately he stopped. He said, “I thought you were into it…”

Distraught, I got dressed and told him we’re done here. I still can’t explain why, but I actually gave him a ride home after that. (I guess that’s just who I am.) It was only about a five minute drive, and he did apologize but I told him to stuff it. He started being rude after that, so I very clearly told him that what he just did is called ‘rape’ and to stop speaking to me. At one point he put his hand on my leg to ‘comfort’ me, and I nearly jumped out of my skin and screamed at him to not fucking touch me. I dropped him off and we never spoke again. I truthfully do not know why I didn’t just leave his ass right there in the cemetery to find his own way home. Or run him over with my car.

Again, I couldn’t make sense of it.

I said “no,” and he did it anyway. But was it really rape? It wasn’t like you see in the movies where the person is held down and penetrated against his or her will for several minutes, and has absolutely no control of the situation. He stopped when I asked him to. So was it my fault it got to that point in the first place despite me not agreeing to it? Of course it was rape by definition because I said “no,” but what could I do about it? Go to the cops and say, “We were having oral sex already, no there is no DNA evidence to support my claim, and yes he stopped when I asked him to.” They would have laughed me out of the police station. I’m just incredibly blessed that the prick actually used a condom, so I took that as a victory.

Both situations could have absolutely gone much worse for me than they did so I’m thankful (?) I suppose, but I have never forgotten those times. Fortunately I don’t think the two incidents have affected me sexually or mentally (anymore), so I have that. I’m an incredibly tough person and I’ve been through more shit already than many people will in a lifetime, but I choose to use my experiences to help others.

I’ve always felt that I can’t quite put a name or definition to what happened to me, but the current definition from the United States Department of Justice defines rape as “Penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.” I’ve never felt right considering myself a ‘rape survivor’ when I compare these incidents to what horrible things have happened to other people, but I do know they weren’t right or deserved. And I just realized that I’ve never told another person about this until now.

I have no idea what the reaction to this post will be or how people will feel about me afterward, but I’m doing it anyway. However slight my experiences are, I’ve made them public record here. I’ve done this in case there is even one person who will gain the strength to share his or her story, or at the very least not feel alone if we share a similar experience.

It was not your fault.

You are not alone.

It happened to #MeToo.

 

 

 

51 thoughts on “It Happened to #MeToo. Twice.

  1. The courage to post this experience is something I appreciate. I’m glad that none of the experiences ever went as far as full on forcing you, but that does not take away what you’ve been through. I cannot believe what you’ve been through honestly. You’re absolutely strong and I admire the strength and willingness to share this story. Thank you for sharing this.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. maybe-just maybe- this might just shame enough ego ‘n testosterone led asses to question that they’re not as entitled to what they want and/or expect. The thought of respect might just enter their blood-deprived noggins. It does seem to be a tipping point in understanding of unwanted advances. Hopefully PS. thanks for the likes. Your story does tend to have me struggle for something non-trite or flippant to say, and that’s my go-to place.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It happened to me twice. Once at 18, I still have nearly no memory of that night- last memory was him standing over me straddling me while I laid on the floor. I woke up in nothing but my underwear (inside out) and had a “hangover” for almost a month.

    Second time, I was cornered on a 2 story balcony, he was well over 300lbs and I couldn’t defend myself. That was when I was 21.
    I was overweight (just got out of an abusive relationship with a guy who literally force fed me until I weighed 200lbs) I was also wearing baggy jeans and a band tee shirt (also baggy) and tennis shoes. I hate the comments like “What were you wearing?” Luckily, the few people I spoke with about it never questioned it. It happened 9 years ago and I still remember it like it was yesterday.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so sorry to hear about your experiences, thank you for sharing them. I’m glad you were able to make it through them, and get away from the abusive guy. Hopefully you’re stronger now because of what you’ve been through, but I know it doesn’t take away the memories.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. It’s so brave of you to put this out. I’m so sorry that you had to go through it but I really admire your strength. Thank you for being an inspiration.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. This is such a brave post and the courage you show is amazing. I used to date someone who I felt like I really connected with and he sexually assaulted me and at the time I didn’t even realise what had just happened I knew I didn’t want it and I knew I told him no but I couldn’t get my mind to process what happened. Thank you❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know exactly what you mean. When I was molested in 7th grade, I felt the exact same way. I knew something bad had happened, I knew I didn’t like it, but I didn’t know how to process it. No one should have to. I’m sorry you had to go through that.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Something similar happened to me with a friend that I just remembered, I know how you feel. I’m sorry that you experienced something like that aswell, its horrifying when men can do especially what you consider friends… I’m glad you can talk about this because the problem will feel less shitty when you can talk about it

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Men are pigs. Well, most of them anyway. They are wolves thinking only of themselves as they are drawn away by heir lusts. They will lie to get what they want. Does a woman exist that doesn’t know this? Its a jungle out there. So many places are not safe, especially if you’re playing with fire. Even the modest are pray to the unconscionable beastly acts of some men. So, Keep up the “ME TOO.” Perhaps more women will discover their bravery in numbers. Put a social fear in pigs by enough of you saying, “I won’t be silent.” If enough voices are heard then, maybe, the fear of condemnation or jail will force more men to exercise self control. Better yet, pray that they become born again. Jesus knows how to change a pig into a gentleman.

    Like

    1. Absolutely, that’s exactly why I stood up and said something. My greatest fear was that someone would tell me nothing really happened to me and that it was my own fault (which did end up happening, you’ll see in one of these comments), but it was worth being shamed if I help even one other person come forward or feel less alone.

      Liked by 2 people

  8. So many people have been coming forward with experiences. You’ve broken silence, you’re more than a survivor. You’re courageous.

    I think most of us with close knit female friends have traded our stories with each other, and over time, we find a lot of common ground in the way we’re all treated. Much of what you speak of resonates. I find this sort of violation is the most common — when two people know each other in some fashion, and it’s especially so in your first account, when two people have an extraordinary closeness — so much so that the boundary between people becomes lost and then disrespected in the worst way. I think about it often though — about the boundaries between people, how they are maintained, dissolved, and the role they play in our lives. Sometimes rape is about power — but sometimes it seems to be not about power at all, but about disrespect and neglect of care. We women — and any survivor — deserve better. Much love to you ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your kind words. It definitely hurts more from someone you had trusted, and it’s unfortunate. Fortunately neither of my experiences seemed to be power-driven, just neglect of care like you said. Thank you so much for reading!

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Shitty behaviour that is rape—despite the prelude to the rape—is still rape. I admire your courage. My liking this post reflects my admiration for your strength and your candor.

    Like

  10. As a guy I feel bad that happened to you as no means no. I can see how the first incident happened as you guys had sexed multiple times and him thinking he had got you wet so maybe you were ok since you let him eat you out and he stopped as soon as you told him. Not ok but don’t think it was really rape. The second guy I believe could be considered rape as you hadn’t ever had sex before and he took advantage of a situation. I’m glad your ok. I would say in future if you don’t want to have sex then don’t let guys eat you out. Men think with their head below and don’t think rationally when super horny. Thanks for sharing!

    Like

    1. Hi there.

      I never approved your comment because, frankly, I didn’t want you hurting someone else the way that you hurt me. However, I refuse to allow you to think that what you said to me is OK.

      I can appreciate the fact that you’ve got an opinion on what did or didn’t happen to me, and that you feel the need to give out unsolicited advice, but I want to let you know that YOU and other people who think like you are the cause of rape culture. I worked up the courage to pour out the details of traumatic events that happened to me in an effort to help others, and all you did was make me feel ashamed by telling me one of my experiences wasn’t valid, and that I brought them both upon myself. I refuse to let you make a single one of my readers who have been raped be made to feel it was their fault as well.

      When a person says “no” to something, that is final. Just because two people have previously engaged in sex does not warrant unlimited unwanted sex in the future. You do realize that there is such a thing called ‘marital rape’ too, right? I entered no contract with those people. I said no numerous times. My wishes should have been respected. Period.

      It is disgusting of you to tell me “if you don’t want to have sex, then don’t let guys eat you out,” as if it was my own fault that I was clear with my boundaries but was still taken advantage of. How dare you? How would you feel if a man shoved his penis inside of your daughter after she was clear about her boundaries? Would you honestly sit her down and tell her, “Well, honey, in the future – don’t engage in anything intimate with a man unless you plan on him being inside of you…men just can’t help themselves!” Sickening.

      Just so you know – no REALLY does mean no. It’s such an easy concept that it’s ridiculous. No does NOT mean: “Yes, because we’ve had sex before,” “Yes, because you got me wet,” “Yes, because I agreed on oral sex only,” or “Yes, because I understand that men aren’t rational when super horny.”

      I pray that your wife and daughter never get raped; and if they do because “men think with their head below,” may they never be made to feel that it was their fault by a heartless person like you.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, that was definitely a concern of mine. Only one person made me feel ashamed to share these stories, but I decided that his ignorance means nothing.

      Like

  11. I am sorry that happened to you. I am a guy and from a guys point of view, I understand how it happened, I am by no means saying it is OK. They both should have respected your boundaries and appreciated what you offered and stayed there. You are very strong to write this.
    I have my own #MeToo story to write, which I plan on in the next few days. Thank you for giving me the strength and inspiration.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I can’t say that I agree that I understand how it happened; there is no excuse or justification for violating someone’s boundaries, and I do appreciate your support. I’m sorry you’ve had your own experience, did you ever get to write about it? Thank you for reading.

      Like

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