This Is Not Who I Am

It’s half past midnight, and here I sit alone.

But I’m not alone; he’s sleeping right next to me, though he might as well be miles away.

It’s gotten so bad that I nearly can’t function.

Every day is a battle with myself, a battle I am sorely losing.

I can’t work; I can’t play; I can’t even force myself out of fucking bed.

I can’t do anything but think, and regret, and put off.

So close to the bottom already, the slightest nudge pushes me into the darkness.

One argument, one bad day, just one damn thing is enough to bring me to that place.

It’s out of my control.

It grabs me by the wrists and yanks me down as I beg and plead for it to stop.

But it doesn’t stop.

Some days it crushes my soul until I collapse to the floor from absolute exhaustion.

I clutch my chest in the fetal position, but I can never quite curl up small enough to stop existing.

And somehow I get up every single time.

I should be lying next to my husband like I do every night.

But I’m wide awake propped up with a pillow; enveloped by the darkness as I stare blankly into it.

There’s nothing there, but it presses down heavily on my chest.

The blackness is miserable, yet somehow comforting.

I can’t stop thinking.

I can’t stop feeling.

I’m angry.

This is not who I am.

26 thoughts on “This Is Not Who I Am

  1. This is me right now. Minus the husband. Listening so if my daughter comes to crawl in my bed, I have time to hide my tears. It’s awful and it sucks. But I’m here with you.

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  2. Wow… This has brought so many of my buried struggles to the surface. I know the place that you are in right now. I know it well. I’m so sad for you. I feel like a dick even saying “it gets better”. It usually does, but I know that when you’re truly IN IT, it’s hard to imagine anything will ever feel “right” again. It feels like one of those “canned” responses.

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  3. I love this post. It’s so raw and uncensored and really opens people’s eyes to what depression can feel like. I think you are very brave for talking about it. I have been in that place many times. I was given a bit of advice once that has stuck with me. ‘ depression is a very personal illness and you have to remember when you have hit your personal rock bottom, the only way you can go is back up’ it took me a while but as I kept remembering that advice I slowly looked for ways to climb the ladder back up. I really hope you find you ladder and start climbing soon. Sending you hope and luck. X limping mum X

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I have watched my eldest daughter struggle with anxiety and depression recently. Along with therapy she started doing biofeedback. Before she started I had very low expectations but after a handful of visits out has made a huge change in her. Insurance doesn’t cover it and it sounds like science fiction buy it’s been very affective.

    Liked by 1 person

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