Ever feel like you can almost touch it?
Sometimes it’s triggered by something, sometimes it’s triggered by nothing. For me, I know there will always be a trigger. My brain ensures it always has its finger pressed softly against it, ready to trip it at a moment’s notice. I am at its mercy.
My depression is sometimes so palpable that I can feel its waves pass through different parts of my body. None of my friends know this, but I feel things more than most people because I believe I’m an empath. Per Urban Dictionary, an empath is “a person who is capable of feeling the emotions of others despite the fact that they themselves are not going through the same situation.”
In other words, I feel everything.
When a friend mourns a death, it’s as if I was close to the deceased myself. My heart breaks when I watch a sad commercial or walk by homeless people; I cross my heart when I see a hit animal on the road; and oftentimes just driving past a funeral home hosting a wake will send me to tears. I have always had wisdom that I shouldn’t have had for my age and experience, and many times I have walked friends and family through tough situations I shouldn’t have understood. One of the worst parts is that when I’m with someone who is in a foul mood, I struggle to maintain my own mood and not be affected by theirs. I mean it – I feel everything.
I’ve always been drawn to ‘dark’ sorts of things in life such as when I was ‘goth’ in high school, to loving black and liking skull themes, etc. For many people, there is something comforting about the dark. Some folks are afraid of it while others feel enveloped and cocooned by it. I truly feel a difference being surrounded by black items compared to white items in a room, so it’s easy to imagine that I can very deeply feel my own emotions too.
My emotions range from pure euphoria (often achieved by using cannabis) to the depths of depression just on this side of suicide.
I am constantly aware of my emotions, and I typically know exactly what causes them. Therefore, I can physically feel my depression coming on. It usually is caused by an event or buildup of events; and it slowly mutates as it travels along its pathway of destruction.
My heart hurts. Like someone is squeezing it with a scalding fist from inside.
Distress radiates outward from my heart until it has encapsulated my entire chest. My heart begins pounding, and with each beat my depression pulses through my arteries and into my veins and tiny capillaries. I can feel it but I can’t stop it.
Knowing I can’t stop the pain from metastasizing and spreading, I begin to feel sick. There’s nothing I can do, so the poison spills over from my chest into my abdomen making me want to vomit.
I begin to feel heavy and realize that the tension has proliferated and swept out to my limbs. The weight of the pain is so burdensome that my head drops to my chest, surrendering to gravity. My eyes want to close to escape it all, and tears crusade to be let free.
I feel hopeless, sad, defeated, and worthless. My face contorts and becomes crestfallen; and I feel like I want to melt away and disappear. Only minutes have passed.
Nothing matters, I don’t care about anything. Fuck eating, fuck fun, fuck it all. My only instinct is to get in bed and lie there. I could be there for minutes, sometimes it’s days.
Being someone who is very in tune with herself and others does have its benefits, but it really is more of an emotional strain than anything. Sometimes I wish I could be blissfully unaware of myself and everything around me to be able to disconnect, because feeling deeply about everything and everyone for so long is incredibly exhausting.
The single-most effective tool I use to get out of my own head is cannabis. Sometimes it’s the only way I can clear my mind of the negative, or turn what could have been weeks of suffering into just a few moments until I can consume it. When I use cannabis I feel instantly euphoric, hopeful, and in control. I’m free to take all of my negative feelings and use them as motivation to create positive change in my life. Plus I’ve experienced what life is like without it.
Cannabis is a Godsend.
Though I didn’t choose to be empathic or depressed, I do choose to use the two to help and comfort others. The most beautiful art is created by broken people about broken things, so consider this blog to be my canvas.