I’m Going to Tell You a Secret About Me

Ever feel like you can almost touch it?

Sometimes it’s triggered by something, sometimes it’s triggered by nothing. For me, I know there will always be a trigger. My brain ensures it always has its finger pressed softly against it, ready to trip it at a moment’s notice. I am at its mercy.

My depression is sometimes so palpable that I can feel its waves pass through different parts of my body. None of my friends know this, but I feel things more than most people because I believe I’m an empath. Per Urban Dictionary, an empath is “a person who is capable of feeling the emotions of others despite the fact that they themselves are not going through the same situation.”

In other words, I feel everything.

When a friend mourns a death, it’s as if I was close to the deceased myself. My heart breaks when I watch a sad commercial or walk by homeless people; I cross my heart when I see a hit animal on the road; and oftentimes just driving past a funeral home hosting a wake will send me to tears. I have always had wisdom that I shouldn’t have had for my age and experience, and many times I have walked friends and family through tough situations I shouldn’t have understood. One of the worst parts is that when I’m with someone who is in a foul mood, I struggle to maintain my own mood and not be affected by theirs. I mean it – I feel everything.

I’ve always been drawn to ‘dark’ sorts of things in life such as when I was ‘goth’ in high school, to loving black and liking skull themes, etc. For many people, there is something comforting about the dark. Some folks are afraid of it while others feel enveloped and cocooned by it. I truly feel a difference being surrounded by black items compared to white items in a room, so it’s easy to imagine that I can very deeply feel my own emotions too.

My emotions range from pure euphoria (often achieved by using cannabis) to the depths of depression just on this side of suicide.

I am constantly aware of my emotions, and I typically know exactly what causes them. Therefore, I can physically feel my depression coming on. It usually is caused by an event or buildup of events; and it slowly mutates as it travels along its pathway of destruction.

 


 

My heart hurts. Like someone is squeezing it with a scalding fist from inside.

Distress radiates outward from my heart until it has encapsulated my entire chest. My heart begins pounding, and with each beat my depression pulses through my arteries and into my veins and tiny capillaries. I can feel it but I can’t stop it.

Knowing I can’t stop the pain from metastasizing and spreading, I begin to feel sick. There’s nothing I can do, so the poison spills over from my chest into my abdomen making me want to vomit.

I begin to feel heavy and realize that the tension has proliferated and swept out to my limbs. The weight of the pain is so burdensome that my head drops to my chest, surrendering to gravity. My eyes want to close to escape it all, and tears crusade to be let free.

I feel hopeless, sad, defeated, and worthless. My face contorts and becomes crestfallen; and I feel like I want to melt away and disappear. Only minutes have passed.

Time freezes.

Nothing matters, I don’t care about anything. Fuck eating, fuck fun, fuck it all. My only instinct is to get in bed and lie there. I could be there for minutes, sometimes it’s days.

 


 

Being someone who is very in tune with herself and others does have its benefits, but it really is more of an emotional strain than anything. Sometimes I wish I could be blissfully unaware of myself and everything around me to be able to disconnect, because feeling deeply about everything and everyone for so long is incredibly exhausting.

The single-most effective tool I use to get out of my own head is cannabis. Sometimes it’s the only way I can clear my mind of the negative, or turn what could have been weeks of suffering into just a few moments until I can consume it. When I use cannabis I feel instantly euphoric, hopeful, and in control. I’m free to take all of my negative feelings and use them as motivation to create positive change in my life. Plus I’ve experienced what life is like without it.

Cannabis is a Godsend.

Though I didn’t choose to be empathic or depressed, I do choose to use the two to help and comfort others. The most beautiful art is created by broken people about broken things, so consider this blog to be my canvas.

 

22 thoughts on “I’m Going to Tell You a Secret About Me

  1. Very well described… I know what you mean and what you feel. I can relate myself. And yes, pain and depression feels like physical thing, like a sickness, like knife in your chest. It is so hard to move, to think… I am glad you found your “escape” from it.

    Like

  2. Though anxiety is more my problem than depression I do realize the two go hand in hand. I am glad that you have found something that helps. As you can tell from my post I am using lots of approaches to find my way. I have not thought of myself as being an empath but I also have always resonated with others griefs and joys. I see it as a gift that lets me help others heal. Unfortunately, blessings can also be curses. It’s all in how we use it. Sounds like you understand that. God bless you on your journey

    Like

  3. I too am an empath, as is my partner. You describe the joys and sorrow of this gift so very well. It is my belief that all gifts come with a price but also with, for lack of a better word, benefits. For example, being in the presence of a toxic person is so obvious to me that the person in question might as well be glowing with a dark light. Personally, I find being in the presence of conflict to be nearly debilitating, and the sound of a crying child will make me ache. On the positive side of things I find Walt Disney World to be like a huge battery of positive energy, which is almost overwhelmingly empowering.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Yep, pretty much my story word for word. Although using hemp still makes me a criminal in my country, and oddly enough technically so does vaping. Australia is a strange and backward place.

    Like

  5. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Really loved how you captured your feelings in writing, it’s like you wrote it from my head.

    I didn’t know the word empath. It certainly is another name for me. I’ve always felt this way but thought I was hyper sensitive. It’s good to finally have a word.

    Thanks for sharing.

    I hope you feel better. I’m trying the withdrawal and denial mode coz I don’t want to bother people around me with my shit anymore. Let’s see what happens 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. It takes so much courage, so much inner strength to open your heart, to look deep into your soul and to write about that special part of you that needs healing. You simply shine, even when you don’t realize it! And I’m grateful for the opportunity of reading your thoughts, of discovering the amazing person beyond the words. Thank you. And a special thank you for following my blog, I’m honored!
    Blessings,
    Claudia

    Like

  7. Oh my Ophelia, about time for you to share the most intimate thoughts you live with. It is a healing process and in sharing you give others the open door to share their own feelings. I am so happy to have the opportunity to read about the things in your life that you hide from your family and friends. They to struggle with emotions. I am so proud of you for using this platform to express yourself. I will continue to follow. Good work.

    Liked by 1 person

Talk to Ophelia:

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s