I’ve been in love with music since I was a kid and I can’t remember doing much without it growing up. Even now, there is very little of my conscious time that is spent without music being played on my phone, TV, laptop, or Google Home. I don’t have an explanation for it, all I know is that music is nearly constantly playing around me.
I’ve always liked a vast range of genres because I’m a musician, so I’m always listening to something random. I remember my car stereo shitting the bed back in high school on one occasion and being pretty affected. I lived in a smaller town about 15 minutes from the city, and sometimes I’d be so consumed by the silence and my thoughts that I’d be depressed by the time I got to my destination. That’s a perfect example of how much of a distraction music is for me.
I can’t vouch for anyone else, but personally I can say that I am always thinking. It’s impossible for me to completely shut everything out, and I’m positive that that’s a major contributor to my depression. (This is exactly why I need to stop procrastinating and just learn meditation.) Currently I can’t stop my mind from thumbing through its Rolodex of things I should have said in some conversation, deadlines I have coming up, and fights I’ve had with my mom; so I try not to leave my mind to its own devices. As I always say, distraction is the way to conquer depression, and that’s what music is for me.
This is perfect, of course, only when music is available. Sometimes when you’re standing in line at the bank or walking through the airport you don’t always have music at your disposal. So, somehow, I’ve also got a jukebox in my head. It’s a very cerebral and subconscious thing for me, but just like the thoughts, I’ve always got a song in my head when I can’t hear any music.
Recently, I had an interesting epiphany about my depression (thank you weed). One day a few months ago I was on top of the world, and I was nearly skipping down the sidewalk. I had just smoked, my day was going well, and I was truly feeling happy. I was about to cross the street when I realized the song I was bouncing along to was ‘Walking on Sunshine.’ Instantly I remembered another time I was feeling good and I had John Denver’s ‘Sunshine on My Shoulders’ stuck in my head. Suddenly I realized that the ‘subconscious jukebox’ I have in my head is directly associated with my depression. Sad, angry songs play when I’m depressed, and sunshiney songs play when I’m happy.
It’s nice to understand myself a little more. 🙂
What goes on in your head?