Depression and Therapy: Making the Appointment

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Ok. I surrender. My white flag has been raised, and I am going to make a therapy appointment. I have just spontaneously cried into my bong for the last time.

I wrote a post before asking my readers to share their experiences with mental health and therapy, and so many of you bravely came forward and told your story. Not only did you share your story, but I was blown away with how detailed you all got and how much effort you put into your comments to me. It did not go unnoticed, and I will (someday) get back to each and every comment that is left on my blog because I do appreciate you. Your insight was incredibly helpful, and really cemented what I was already thinking and feeling. Each and every story I read inched me closer and closer to making that call (or most likely email or online appointment – let’s be serious here), and getting my head turned around.

I’ve had a series of things happen to me in the last year or so (by my own hand or otherwise) that have left me teetering on the edge of okay and not okay for the past several months. I’ve had a couple mini-breakdowns, but it’s nothing that has led me to self-harm, or anything more serious than laundry and dishes piling up.

However, there is clearly a malfunction in my brain. I have the tendency to feel powerful emotion over the slightest things. I don’t blubber about all the time or anything, but my heart seems to feel way more than it should. When I see a McDonald’s commercial that features a father and daughter bonding, my throat tightens and I literally have to fight bursting into tears, much as I’m doing right now just typing about a hypothetical commercial. There almost isn’t one Grey’s Anatomy that goes by where some death scene doesn’t make me choke up. I come by it honestly though, my dad just revealed to me a couple months ago that the same thing happens to him. He said just the way someone looks or says something can nearly bring him to tears, and I understand what he means.

dad

I don’t think I’ve mentioned this, but I’m actually a vocalist, and I taught myself piano. Music has been probably the #1 thing that has saved me my entire life, and it will forever be a part of my family and me. Singing has always been my ‘main attraction,’ if you will, and it’s the one thing in my life that I’ve always been confident about. I stood out in every one of my choirs in school, church, and competitions, and it was just something that set me apart. I’ve sung in an exclusive national choir and have even sung at Carnegie Hall when I was 16 – but sadly, singing is not something I do much of anymore.

There has been a lot of talk about Adele’s new song Hello, but I only just heard it for the first time a week or two ago. While she does kinda come off as a douche in it, I still think it’s a beautiful song and I can sound exactly like her. So while I was procrastinating instead of doing work I needed to do a month ago, I decided to pull up the karaoke version of Hello on my laptop and see how I sound.

Well, I still don’t know how I sound because I simply couldn’t sing it without choking up. It was absolutely bizarre. I have no feelings toward the lyrics and I have no experiences I could link to the song, yet I just couldn’t sing it. My estimation is that the song just sounds so damn sad, and I really feel bad for the guy(s) she left behind. Sitting Indian style on my bed with my bong between my legs, I tried clearing my mind and pushing out the lyrics, but I finally crumbled and burst into tears. As I hunched over hanging my head and clutching my bong, I cried and cried while asking myself what the fuck is wrong with me.

crying

There is no reason for this, I see myself slipping, and I know what I have to do. One thing that I am immensely grateful for is my ability to be able to recognize my patterns, notice signs, and realize when something isn’t right and get the proper care for it. Since I’ve always had a pretty good grasp on my depression and I understand a lot of the science and psychology of it, perhaps the therapy is the final piece I need to finally end it.

 

Stay tuned, I’ll keep you informed on the journey.

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-Ophelia

31 thoughts on “Depression and Therapy: Making the Appointment

  1. Scary – I could have written this. The choir experience, the music, the crying outbursts – everything but the bong. I’d never wish this disease on anyone, but I feel some comfort knowing I’m not the only one in the world who feels this way. I hope things are going well for you <3.

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  2. I don’t mean to come across as stalkerish as I realize that this is an older post, but I must say this blog entry is so raw and amazing. Honestly, I’m still not ready to ‘raise my white flag,’ but I’m glad you did and I wish you the best!

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  3. I hope that therapy does for you what it is doing for me. It really helps me to refocus my life, get it in frame, and realise that things that have happened to me in the past are not my fault. Big hugs. I also like reading your blog because, since my mental illnesses have surfaced, I have struggled with sex. Reading this makes me realise that it’s not dirty or bad, it’s just sex, and fun can be had. Chin up xxx

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  4. I resisted therapy for the longest time as I saw it as weakness and in a bizarre way, I didn’t want to be someone who needed therapy as I didn’t want to admit I was depressed enough to need it. That said, I really needed it. It was tough at times, and painful but in the end it really helped me. I stopped going because it got me to a place where I could cope with my issues without therapy. I really recommend it. I hope it helps you.

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  5. I’ve suffered with severe depression in the past, so I know where you are coming from. Spontaneous crying was something I did regularly, and I completely understand the overemotion. I felt like I was ‘feeling’ all the emotions of everyone around me first hand. Been there.

    All I want to say is, with hard work done to uncover the root cause of the problem, things will get better. My over emotion was a cry for help from a part of me that I had so far suppressed that I could no longer access it.

    Please feel free to reach out to me if you want to have a more personal chat. I am always happy to offer help.. Just in case it’s needed. Through helping others, I validate the pain I’ve been through..

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  6. It’s a great thing you have acknowledged. Healing begins. I know from my own experience that it would have taken you years to finally make this decision. Thank you for posting. From a Kiwi, Jx

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  7. Ophelia, In addition to seeing a therapist, try meditating, breathing, and connecting with the Source of all creation. It’s the best practice for healing mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. No drugs and no meds… just pure connection to being. I wish you all the best! Love and peace ~dp

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  8. Wonderful to read, and glad you’re seeking help. My music has suffered so much from my depression, so I understand in my own different way how difficult it is for a huge part of what makes you you to be stolen away by some part of yourself you don’t understand. All the luck in the world with the therapy you seek and the journey ahead of you. It can be rough but enlightening and SO rewarding.

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  9. You’re right! The fact that you can recognize your patters and signs, is a really good thing! My therapists have told me that’s the first step to getting better or at least working towards bettering yourself. Therapy can help you with certain techniques when you notice a familiar pattern. I wish you all the best!

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  10. Taking that first step to make an appointment with a therapist always scares the shit out of me even though I know it’s best. I’ve been to three in the last six years depending on where I lived and it’s one of the better decisions I’ve made. This year I learned I have depression and am also a highly sensitive person, so I can relate to how you’re feeling. I also tear up or cry at things that aren’t even really that sad. Hell, the other day I broke down crying because I saw engagement pictures on Facebook and about a month ago, a Disney World commercial made me cry. I think going to therapy will help, or at least I hope it does. ❤

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  11. Proud of you for making this decision. It’s not an easy one to make, but hopefully it will help give you the tools you need to craft a happier life. Keep talking about these feelings, because it’ll help, too.

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  12. As someone who had a serious nervous breakdown a year and a half ago; was suicidal; is still learning to cope with my new normal; let me just say what you wrote is beautiful and I know it probably took a whole lot of courage to hit that publish button. I wish you luck and hope the best for you. And keep writing. Whether it’s about how you feel or whatever. Keep writing. It helped return me to myself.

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  13. Ophelia, as someone who has suffered with depression since the age of 11, I can tell you that you are absolutely doing the right thing. As a therapist, I can tell by your words, that you possess a huge amount of self-awareness and that is the very thing that is going to see you through. Your openness and your honesty, are a true strength and will help you greatly through the whole process. I genuinely mean it when I say kudos to you for taking such a big step. 🙂

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  14. You’re very brave! Congratulations on this first step. Sounds like you need to dig into your music once you’re feeling a little better. That’s one thing that depression has taught me: whatever brings magic into your life, you no longer have the option of ignoring. Make space for your magic, and it will help you (in addition to covering the basics of therapy, meds if you decide to go that route, etc).

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  15. Take it from me, someone who used to beleive therapy was the ultimate sign of not being able to cope, it works. But it works, because you end up making the decisions you need to make. A therapist will assist by giving you a perspective you may not have realized you needed.

    I wish you luck, because I also know what a difficult decision it is to make. And in no way is it a sign of giving up; rather, it is a sign of moving yourself towards a better place.

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