The Storm Has Passed….


Recently, I stumbled and fell a bit, and my readers were there to pick me up. (Thank you.) I have yet to respond to the influx of encouraging words in the comments to my previous post “..I Have Officially Hit Rock Bottom,” because I want to be in a good frame of mind when interacting with you.

For the sake of brevity, I’ll skip the details, but I majorly screwed up a short time ago. Nothing legal or irreparable, but I basically cost myself a LOT of time, money, anguish, and sanity. I was submerged into an extremely dark place where I realized my predicament was no one’s fault but my own, and I was unable to forgive myself and move on.

With my husband traveling frequently for work, I’m alone a lot. For those few weeks, I couldn’t get out of bed on most days, and when I did I would walk around like a zombie with a feeling of insistence that I couldn’t identify. I felt anxious like I should be doing something, but I didn’t know what to do. I stopped doing the laundry and cleaning the house, I hardly ate, and when I did cry it was heart wrenching.

My husband supported me and let it run its course, but after weeks of not having his wife, he rightfully grew frustrated with the condition of things. He brought a few things to my attention that had been bothering him, and the embarrassment I put on myself for letting him down was enough for me to deep clean the entire house for the rest of the evening. Though the intervention happened rather abruptly and forced me to hit rock bottom, it was also the first step in me coming out of the darkness.

But there was one day when it really happened. The Day it Happened may sound familiar as it is the post I wrote about discovering my favorite masturbation toy. I suppose you could say I have many “days something happened” because I tend to have a lot of epiphanies. Smoking marijuana opens my mind and allows me to make connections I may not have seen otherwise. I think a lot when I smoke, so suddenly I’ll have an “Aha!” moment when I correlate things in my life, and this was one of them.

I was driving around in my Mustang with the top down, I had a fantastic EDM playlist on, the sun was shining on my face, and the warm breeze ruffled my hair. For no real reason at all, I just felt giddy. I felt a little burst in my chest, and I’m pretty sure it’s the feeling kids get just before they start squealing. There was no event, there was no one with me, it was just me on the open road in gorgeous weather, and I was actually able to think positively. I’m pretty sure this is how “normal” people feel when they wake up every day.    storm2

With every bad episode of depression I’ve had, the only way I’ve gotten out of it was to make the choice to help myself. As much as we’re told to “just get over it,” we’re unable to do so unless we put forth some effort on our own. Like almost all of our issues in life, things had to work out eventually, so I tried to find things that I’m thankful for about my new situation on that drive.

Because I have experience with depression and the extent to which it can reach, I knew the whole time I was severely depressed that it was only temporary. I think one of the flaws that people with depression have is they allow themselves to be convinced that there is no way out. We have all gotten through every single situation we’ve been exposed to, and we somehow found the way to do it. We have to find a lifesaver to cling to that will lift us out of the depression, and hold onto it with our teeth like a vicious dog. That day, the sun on my face was my lifesaver, and I clung to it until it pulled me out of the water I was drowning in.

lifesaver

I naturally have an extremely difficult time forgiving myself and letting go of regret, so I imagine it’s going to take me some time to completely move on. We all make mistakes, and even I have to remember that, but it’s up to us to take control of our mental health and not allow it to control us. Go for a drive, volunteer, do a good deed, take a walk in nature (nature is an extremely powerful healer!), just do something to distract yourself and fight your demons. We can do this.

Update: Shortly after posting this, I found an amazing representation of depression posted by Grace. You can see her full story here.

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What do you do to break out of depression?

19 comments on “The Storm Has Passed….

  1. Thanks for visiting my blog! For the next time:
    As a retired therapist, what helped my clients the most is “to do one good thing for themselves each day,” It doesn’t need to be big or cost money. It’s just one thing we like, and makes us feel taken care of, like …taking a bubble bath, go see and feed the ducks, etc.
    The second, is NOT TO GET ISOLATED, even if you totally have to force yourself to call or Skype a friend (direct contact with someone is the best).
    Third is, get your norophenephrines working, by getting your heart rate up (whether that is in taking a walk, cleaning out a room, or the yard, whatever…)
    A hobby really helps you to get over being depressed quickly!!
    For you personally: live in the PRESENT and in the physical world you see:):)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. When I go through a bout of depression it is really violent against myself…you know, all the self loathing and wish I was never born self talk..blah blah..which turns to why don’t you just kill yourself self pity etc etc…But as you say, you know it will wear off if you can just weather the storm long enough. What do i do to break out of it? Nothing…I thank God for it …but then in the next breath curse myself again! What helped me was in seeing I am not this outer person who is constantly trying to be responsible…I am the inner person who is always at rest. Seeing the difference has been life changing! Now I simply look away inwardly from that outer Dennis and look at Jesus who is my inner me. ❤

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  3. Mindfulness colouring books. Finding my feelings reflected in lyrics. Writing.

    Take care of yourself.

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  4. Thanks for sharing & thanks for stopping by my blog site…I know those are both frequently used sentiments in the world of WP blogging….but really Thanks!!….I’ve battled with depression, and a host of debilitating insecurities since I was a teenager…my early coping mechanisms were denial anything was wrong, self medicating with drugs & alcohol, or just to hibernate and close myself off to the world. Of course none of this worked and actually made my situation much worse most of the time. Yet still I subscribed to this self-destructive pattern for more years then I care to count. Recently fell into a deep depression, which I’m starting to climb out of, and at the suggestion of a friend started blogging about it, along with other thoughts & feelings I’ve been experiencing, and found that it did help a little. Before this I never talked about my problems with anyone, just bottled up my emotions, and keep them to myself. Now that I’ve found a healthy way to release my pent up feelings, I’m starting to have glimmers of hope again…still have my ups & downs…. still find it difficult to forge & maintain meaningful relationships, but putting it out there and just releasing does help. Thanks again and be well. 🙂

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  5. I’m glad to hear that the storm has passed. I know that I’ve had some days lately where I let things just get me down. I think a lot of us have these days. Whether we want to admit it or not, depression touches all of us. Some people say they are down, some say they have the blues. I think it varies, you know?

    As for what brings me out of it? I find listening to music…talking to my husband after keeping it pent up for a long time…going for a walk somewhere beautiful, or creating something…those are the things that help me.

    I’m glad that you’ve found your way back out!

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  6. “…I realized my predicament was no one’s fault but my own, and I was unable to forgive myself and move on…”

    Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt, washed it and now it’s worn out! 🙂

    Honestly, having my own bouts of depression, I don’t always know that there is a perfect solution, other than to simply live life…maintain doing the things that are important, because I think the pain of depression just is…there isn’t always a reason, there isn’t always a solution, but it is temporary.

    Thanks for sharing, it’s so relatable.

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  7. I remember when I was listening to a song, really listening, and feeling something… for the first time in a long time. The clouds parted and I caught a glimpse of a sun I had forgotten. I’m glad you’re on the upswing. 🙂

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  8. As a mom, when depression hits I still have to do ‘mom’ things. Which makes me walk around in that zombie-like state. Ideally I would go refocus in a forested area, preferably one where I can’t see anything but trees, it helps me to remember how vast and beautiful this world is, helps me see the bigger picture. But since most days that is not possible (at least not alone, which is the whole idea), I do some basic stretches, but hold them for long enough that it’s almost meditating. Holding the position, and feeling that just-past-comfortable-burn in the muscles that I’m stretching help clear my mind. Giving me a much needed reset. Smoking a joint before either is always an added bonus, that leads to a MUCH clearer head.

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  9. This post resonates with me. I feel like I have to constantly do things to battle my depression: go for a walk, write poetry, take a bath, watch a show I like, or just feel everything wash over me like a tidal wave and just wait for it to pass.

    Liked by 1 person

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