Well, hello there.

I’m by no means a virgin, but I have to say that this is my maiden voyage in writing for anyone but an English professor, or to my university appeals committee as to why I screwed up and deserve another chance. However, I feel that I have an interesting story to tell, and I’ve been told that I have a certain “knack” for writing – so what the hell?

Alcohol had always been my usual Band-Aid for life’s turbulence, and I was always responsible with drugs. Sure, I’d tried all of the basics through and after high school, but I knew better than to overdo it and get addicted to anything. Extacy still stands as my favorite drug given a choice, but I never did it more than a handful of times out of responsibility and preservation of my brain. Weed came around in my life now and again, but I never had an appreciation for it until I met my husband.

What I DID have an extreme appreciation for since, let’s say, approximately 12 years old (one of the first of many important milestones that my memory has seemed to erase from itself), is my vagina. My parents have never told me any embarrassing stories about discovering my vagina as a child, so my first recollection of exploring it was as a pre-teen sitting on the toilet at home and realizing that something felt good when I touched it – very good. (Romantic, right?)

After that, all I did was play with it, and find anything decent to put in it while dreaming about how incredibly mind-blowing sex must be. I wanted to experience what it felt like so badly that I, regrettably, remember almost wishing to be raped just to be able to feel what a penis is like. Almost, I said, because I had enough sense to know that rape is an experience that no organism should ever, ever be subjected to. However, my mind went to this place because getting raped seemed more of a possibility for me than finding a person of the opposite sex to actually love me based on the depletion of my self-confidence.

By that, I mean, I am the lucky recipient of a lifetime supply of depression! I was clearly in the wrong line when they were handing out mental health. With my half-brother committing suicide at age 27, and my father, sister, and now mother all plagued with the disease, I would like to point out that I believe I come by it honestly. Perhaps one day down the line I’ll delve into the origin of my personal onset if anyone decides they find me worthwhile to listen to, but for now I’d like to give you a little overview of what you’re getting yourself into should you choose to complete your mission and subscribe.

I sit before you not wanting to depress you with all of the terrible things that have happened to me (it’s life, right – we all have our stories), but to invite you to join me on an erotic journey narrated by a person with depression who enjoys the hell out of marijuana and masturbation – especially together.

My inspiration for writing this was the incredible, pressing need to tell someone – anyone – the world – what I discovered after my husband innocuously won me a toy through some erotica blogger he follows on Twitter. Some of the best moments of my life have been alone in bed with my new gadget and a joint listening to some trippy music while I spent hours exploring myself, and I simply couldn’t contain my knowledge anymore.

So, if you’ll have me, I’d love to entertain you on the john before work with my vast experiences with depression, weed, life-changing orgasms, music, and perhaps even a little erotica if you’re good. Have I covered all the bases? Sex, drugs, rock & roll? You tell me!

And those are my thoughts with a dildo in hand.

27 thoughts on “Well, hello there.

  1. Might I be so bold as to ask to write a little piece inspired by you and your blog and post it on mine? I’ll include a link to your blog as well.

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  2. Ophelia–you are a very good bad girl; and a lovely-incorrect communicator. For some reason you make me think of a contemporary, but very much female, version of Mark Twain. Naughty, brilliant, and often depressed. It would be interesting to adapt your voice for stand-up comedy; or maybe in this case it would be more of a sitting down comedy, or lying down, or any number of positions I suppose.

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  3. Omg you have made me laugh! I just sat here and read each one of your posts…. Very unusual for me… Normally I get bored after a paragraph or two… I thought I was the only person in this world who “explored” as a youngster… Sitting in front of a mirror with a tube of lipstick! (Hahaha) oh and the rape thing… It was sensual just imagining it…. I envy you – having a dildo… Etc… And the weed. It’s so illegal here and the ex is always looking for someway to frame me… But the most AMAZING orgasms are definitely when your high!!!! They should prescribe it instead of Viagra! Or maybe it should be the woman’s version of Viagra…
    I look forward to reading more 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You are ah-mazing 🙌 preach sister! I love your honesty and candour, it’s infectious. I can see how much you help people through your words and the wisdom you r gained through some pretty crummy cards that life had dealt you. Still, go on you, I’m a subscriber 100%

    Liked by 1 person

  5. At some point I was on a date with some wacky woman who declared that she was bipolar and highly promiscuous. I disclosed that I, too, was diagnosed as bipolar but had been in a dry spell with the ladies. “My gosh, you must masturbate a ton!” she exclaimed, as if mental health issues and high sex drive go hand in hand, kind of like a deranged apple pie and ice cream combo… Throw a little pot in the mix and I’m set! Always nice to find a like-minded soul, even if only hidden behind the anonymity of a blog. Keep writing!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Well, I have very little experience with drugs, but alcohol, depression and masturbation I know pretty well. I can’t help but be drawn to your writing and I’m sure there will be things I could relate to for sure.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Please continue to share and entertain! Sharing helps cleanse your soul and relief stress. I also feel like at times I was in the wrong line for mental health. I feel like that saying that everyone has a black sheep in their family…well there are a few families running around out there missing some because my family has more than their share, LOL

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Hello and whilst I remember my manners, thank you for following my blog. This is a flying visit to check in with you and let you know that I’m reciprocating … but don’t worry that’s not contagious. Another thing not to worry about is your number of followers. Why not worry? I have 163 showing on my blog, but I doubt if I have over 50 true followers. Many folk subscribe to ‘follow’ simply to get the blogger to return the favour. If I follow a blog, I do so because I’m interested in it for whatever reason. Yours at the moment has piqued my interest, partly because of your title and main topics, but probably moreso because of your honesty and forthright attitudue.
    Keep it up … and that can apply to whatever else you like, but start with the honesty and attitude.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. I love your free sexual honesty in this post. My discovery of the wonders of my vagina were quite different, to say the least. Catholic brainwashing made me believe that masturbation and sexual thoughts were sins, and doing what came naturally meant a lot of shame and crying with self loathing. Must at least be a contributor to the current state of hopeless dysfunction in my life.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you! Yes, you definitely have a much different experience than mine, which I’d love to hear about. I hope you know at this point that you’ve done nothing wrong, but it’s hard to undo years of mistreatment. Thank you for reading.

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  10. You have my fullest attention.
    Aside from the fact that I can relate to depression, an ongoing struggle for both my wife and I throughout our lives, I can also relate to experimenting with drugs and the pleasure (and release from inner demons!) that can be found in self-gratification. This is a very interesting recipe, and I look forward to seeing what you cook up.
    Incidentally, whoever told you that you have a “knack” for the written word wasn’t lying. Keep it up!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for the thoughtful reply. You are the exact reader I am looking for. After over 50 views since publishing my first post with not a single comment, I began wondering if I just made a complete fool of myself, and if perhaps no one wants to hear about my saucy ménage à trois of topics after all. You have given me hope and inspiration to keep writing, and I hope to learn more about you, too.

      I think it’s interesting that both you and your wife have depression, I’d love to hear about how that dynamic works in your marriage. Thankfully, my husband has never experienced what we have, but as you can imagine, it also frustrates him sometimes when he just can’t understand why I am like I am when it’s bad. I’m truly blessed to have someone as understanding as I do, I imagine it can’t be easy.

      I have more crazy stories than anyone I’ve ever met (except maybe my dad, and we were together for some of them!), and perhaps one of my callings in life is to tell them to the world. And I’m not sure I would have done it if it wasn’t for that one person. It was one of the dearest compliments I keep in my heart.

      Stay tuned, and chin up – you’re never alone.

      Liked by 3 people

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